Travel Insecurity

Train Conductor: Ma’am, did you stop this train by pulling that handle?

Lucy: Well, I didn’t do it by dragging my foot.

The current controversy over intrusive airport pat-downs and full-body scans that could double as X-ray porn has me wondering: How would Lucy handle traveling today? The methods of regulation are more high-tech now than they were in the '50's, of course, and I assume the "security agents" of Lucy's time were more polite than most of the "Respect My Authority!" power-trippers I've encountered en voyage. Still, I suspect Mrs. Ricardo would have found a way to fly the un-friendly skies without compromising her own agenda.

Indeed, Lucy knew better than to let a little red tape ruin her travels. In Episode 153, “Return Home from Europe,” Ricky tries to discourage Lucy from taking home 25 pounds of rare Italian cheese on the plane, worried they’ll be charged for the extra weight. Figuring babies travel for free, Lucy secretly decides to disguise the enormous cheese as her infant, blanket and all. Not until Lucy and Ethel are on the flight do they find out that babies do not, in fact, fly free of charge; whether the bundle in Lucy’s arms is cheese or child, it’ll cost them...unless, that is, the pair can manage to eat most of the smuggled snack before the plane lands. So what if a horrified fellow passenger ended up mistaking Lucy for a baby-eating cannibal? She never did have to pay for the damn cheese.

Not that Lucy always successfully sidestepped protocol. The guards at the border of Italy and France posed more of a challenge than any cheese-sniffing stewardesses (calm down, it's okay to say "stewardess" in a retro kind of way). In Episode 151, "Lucy's Bicycle Trip," a misplaced passport keeps Lucy stuck in Italy while Ricky, Ethel and Fred pedal their way into France. Lucy pleads with the guard as she waits for the rest of her crew to bike all the way to Nice (where she thinks her passport is packed in a trunk) and back, but the Italian official is unmoved: "You gotta have-a you pass-a-port!" Lucy realizes the passport is in her backpack just several feet away on the other side of the border, but still the guard refuses to let her pass. Even disguising herself as a biker in a race doesn't work. She is forced to wait for hours until Ricky returns.

I usually prefer Lucy to outsmart whomever she needs to, but I'll admit that recalling this episode gave me great solace a few years ago when I was experiencing my own passport problems (namely that my kids' passports arrived a day after we were supposed to leave for Mexico). I tried my best, but the guys at JFK were unswayed by my tearful protestations: "How can a five-year-old and a ten-month-old be terrorists?" They didn't go for my indignant arguments, either: "Why would you punish my innocent children for the passport agency's mistake? My poor little girl is devastated!" (Cue high-pitched wail from child.) I switched to a calm, rational stance after the fifth time the large man in the uniform told me to lower my voice or else - "I understand you're just trying doing your job...would it help if I got someone from the agency on the phone who can explain what happened?" - but only the fellow travelers behind us in line were convinced. "Oh, just let them get on the plane!" a grandmotherly type yelled from the back. No dice. We had no choice but to reschedule our flight for two days later.

The only thing that made me feel better was the FOUR OUNCE bottle of hand lotion I managed to carry onboard undetected in the depths of my diaper bag.

A lesser triumph than the cheese-smuggling incident, but a victory Lucy would have appreciated.