Get Rich Quick (and Hide Debt Fast)

Lucy: This is my system for paying bills. You see, I throw them all up in the air and the ones that land face up are the winners.

Ethel: By the “winners” you mean the ones you pay?

Lucy: Uh-huh.

Ethel: But what happens if they all land face up?

Lucy: Well then I just switch. I only pay the ones that lay face down.

Okay, so Lucy was in the red more often than not. (At least her money management philosophy matched her hair color.) Have you no credit card debt? Have you no student loans looming over your head like an ever-present sword of Damocles?

The key differences between Lucy's financial problems and our own are her stunningly inventive solutions.

I've already referenced several of them on this blog - her table-turning way of dealing with a strict "business manager," her faux charity raffle, her gutsy funding of the Fine Arts League Operetta with a post-dated check (possibly my favorite if only because that episode includes the beyond-classic "Queen of the Gypsies" number).

But Lucy wasn't all about patching up holes in her piggy bank. Her business sense was right up there with her imaginative powers; indeed, I would say one complemented the other.

For example: The transplanted city girl was willing to take up poultry farming to help pay the bills at the Ricardo's Connecticut residence (Episode 171, "Lucy Raises Chickens"). Even those without a vivid visual memory of every I Love Lucy moment (like me) can immediately bring to mind the image of Lucy chasing hundreds of fluff balls on feet around the house, sweating from the sweltering heat (turned up for the sake of the baby chicks).

No, Lucy was not opposed to hard work, nor was she particularly careless with money, in my opinion. Nevertheless, ends wouldn't always meet - without a little stretching. I can relate, as I'm guessing most of America can right now.

At the risk of getting arrested for what I'm about to write, I will elaborate. I hate my leased car, a lemon made by one of the several automobile manufacturers that went belly up this year. My lease is almost up, but not quite. I've tried talking to the dealership (here's a hint: the make is named after a planet with rings around it) about how to get out of the lease based on all of the problems I've had with the car, I've tried an online lease-swapping service (don't do it! It's a scam!), I've tried everything I can think of to get rid of this falling apart death machine before paying another cent. (Like I have a spare $300 per month to waste on a borrowed possession I despise!) I've been joking for months about driving my car into a crime-riddled neighborhood and leaving it there, but last week I actually found myself Googling "how to fake a car theft." And here's the best part: I didn't get any useful tips, but I did learn that the number of faked car thefts in this country is positively soaring! Proof that people nationwide are being driven (no pun intended) to crisis management strategies worthy of Queen Lucy herself!

My only fear is that the authorities won't have the same reaction Ricky would have to such a scheme - a brief, bug-eyed temper fit followed by affectionate resignation ("Oh, Lucy.")

I'd rather get spanked by an exasperated Cuban than sent to the big house.

Anybody interested in stealing my car?