Lucy is my co-pilot

• It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.

—Lucille Ball

Welcome to What Would Lucy Do? Following the Gospel of a Comedy Goddess, my guide to living life according to the word of her hennaed highness.

First, allow me to do some 'splainin.

I am not a therapist. I am not a member of any clergy, or a life coach, or a spiritual advisor, or even particularly well-adjusted.

I am not technically qualified to give anyone advice on anything (despite the fact that I sort of do that for a living, as a writer for magazines that give women tips on everything from potty traning to staying fit. But basically I bluff my way through that, a skill I learned from…that’s right, Lucy!).

I am, however, a lifelong fan of Lucille Ball. I grew up watching many, many reruns of “I Love Lucy.” usually when home sick from school with a feigned illness (hmm, did I learn that trick from Lucy, too?). Of course I grew up doing other things, too. I went to school – when I wasn’t pretending to be sick – and church, and read books and took piano lessons and ballet and obediently participated in all kinds of stuff intended to teach me how to live a good, productive life; to grow into a successful, well-rounded, respectable woman.

But here’s the thing:

Now that I’m an adult, and have been for…a while…I find myself turning to the lessons I learned from Lucy more often than I recall the words of any sage or scribe, any well-meaning guidance counselor or credentialed mentor.

For example, consider the time my downstairs neighbors were putting up a (very unreasonable) stink about the (barely discernable) footsteps of my three-year-old daughter. Probably the correct response from me would have been to “turn the other cheek,” as I was instructed in catholic school decades ago. Instead, I enlisted my then-husband in a foot-stamping, cookware-dropping crusade intended to drive them away for good. (And they thought our kid was loud! Ha!) Sound familiar? It should: My plan was inspired by I Love Lucy Episode 18, “Breaking the Lease,” in which Lucy and Ricky wage earsplitting war against Ethel and Fred, who dared to complain about the Ricardos’ rousing late-night rendition of “Sweet Sue.”

My redheaded guru has also been an invaluable source of wisdom when it comes to money. Someone like Suze Orman, for example, warns against engaging in things like fraud, tax evasion, and running from credit card debt. That’s all well and good, but hasn’t Suze ever found herself in a pinch she couldn’t pay for? In my day, I have answered phone calls from collection agencies in a foreign accent and denied knowledge of any such person with my name. I have kept (and cashed) duplicate checks sent in error by an employer. I have charged items on my deceased father’s credit card (hey, it’s not like he’s going to get in any trouble for it at this point. What are they gonna do, drop his credit rating?).

Lucy understood and accepted that such creative financial tactics are a sometimes-necessary evil. Seems I was paying attention when The Queen of the Gypsies herself financed the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League operetta by writing it with Ethel and paying for costumes and scenery with a post-dated check (Episode 38, “The Operetta”). Even more so when Lucy turned a punishing budget imposed by Ricky’s business manager to her advantage by charging all of the neighbors’ groceries on her store account – and pocketing their cash for herself (Episode 100, “The Business Manager”). Most of all, I believe I was influenced by the sheer brilliance displayed in Episode 137, “Ricky’s European Booking,” in which Lucy and Ethel hold a raffle for their phony charity, The Ladies Overseas Aid, in the hopes of funding a trip to Europe. (“We’re ladies. We want to go overseas. And boy, do we need aid!” rationalized Lucy.)

Here at What Would Lucy Do? Following the Gospel of a Comedy Goddess, I hope to offer such refreshingly screwball solutions to practical matters. From relationship troubles to friendship foibles to career roadblocks, Lucy could finesse her way out of just about any fix – or at least give everyone a good laugh in the attempt. If Lucy founded a church, what would her commandments be? What would a self-help book by Lucy say?

WWLD? Stay tuned to find out...